Theatre Ettiquette

My guide to not getting your ass kicked by theater patrons who know the score. These simple tricks are great for those less expirenced or just... mis-informed to be able to enjoy a night out at the theater. Questions? Comments? Any additions? Email me! And now... Stage Door Etiquette! On to the list! **DISCLAIMER!** Yes, I will be putting these all over my site cause people don't get the point of these pages. This is purely for personal amusement and is in no way meant to be the STAPLES of theater viewing guidelines, nor are these infallable! So laugh you silly people!

Dress up!
I realize that since the invention and acceptance of denim into the culture, no one dresses up anymore. This can be good. We can all be comfortable all the time. However, the theatre is a place where we all can dress up and show off. Sound stupid? Well, so is highschool but you all go/will go/went there so deal with it. Just think of it this way, if you are in highschool, now you can wear you winter formal dress more than once!

Now, if you live in England, this does not apply to you. Why you may ask? Because theatre tickets cost more in America. For you lovely Brits, it's the equivalent to a trip to the pub to see a play. If I were going to a restaurant where I was spending anywhere from $50-$85 (that would be... oh... Ł40-Ł56) on a meal, you can bet I would be in more formal attire, thus my logic for the above stated tip.

Do not wear your hair up!
Let me clarify. I am not trying to say don't wear your hair in a ponytail or the like. Pulling your hair back is fine but your hair should not be more then an inch or two higher than the crown of your head. You will obstruct the view the patron behind you if you have a beehive and that is so inconsiderate. You don't need to pile all your hair up on the top of your head to look sophisticated or elegant so don't!

Do not go to the theatre if you are ill!
Now, I realize this seems VERY unreasonable. Afterall, you paid for your ticket, why can't you attend the show if you paid for a seat? Well, if you are sneezing and coughing, you shouldn't leave your home anyway. What? Are you Trying to spread your little head cold around? Also, coughing and such is disrespectful of the performers and patrons... not to mention the COUNTLESS bootlegs you are ruining for some poor college student who is selling them online for EXTREMLY ridiculous amounts of money. ::cough:: Oops. Let me share a story with you:
Once upon a time, there was a show and there was a girl who loved this show so very much that she drove for six hours on the 405 freeway everyday, six days in a row just to see it (this girl obviously had emotional problems). The only joy she could find was escaping by going to sit quietly in a theatre and watch her favorite tenor play the dashing hero. The trouble is, this theatre was full of people who were all suffering from severe EMPHESEMA!!!!!!!!! All the noise caused her to be distressed and since she was so tired anyway, she couldn't relax and get her usual rush from seeing the show. All the time she spent throwing looks at the dying audience members caused her fatigue to grow and the third day into the run, she almost died driving home in the fog up the 405. Do you want to be responsible for killing a teenager with hopes and dreams?!?! (okay, I played the guilt card, I'm sorry)

Do not bring young children!
Many people believe that a night at the theatre should be a getaway from everything and just relax. Well, I'm sorry to say, this doesn't mean that the rest of the audience is your babysitter. If you have young young children, stay home or leave them there because it's just rude to let your kids come in casual clothes and run EVERYWHERE (and don't think I don't mean performers children too, cause I do)! Take them to children's theatre if you want to show them something about theatre!

Do not fake theatre knowledge to impress your friends!
I know you're laughing right now and you should be. You're thinking, "Why the hell would anyone do that?" Well, the answer to that is simple. People are Stupid and people are Snots. The Stupids, yeah adults too, try to impress their friends with some "hearsay" they've come across. Then the Snots (of which I am one, sadly) who spend ten minutes a day checking Broadway.com, Playbill.com and perhaps a few select message boards sit quietly in the theatre reading bios in the program. The Snot is always sitting directly in front of the Stupid who posesses the "hearsay". So, it's ten minutes before curtain and the Stupid spouts their "hearsay". The Snot rolls their eyes, leans back and loudly corrects the Stupid. Everyone looks bad in this situation, the Snob will be eaves dropping on you and correct you, making you look like a COMPLETE ASS in front of whom ever you were attempting to impress.

Do not be rude to your fellow audience members!
As a very excited theatergoer and actor, I believe I have an expectation of certain reactions to give a deserving performer. Therefore, I give that reaction. This usually means cheering my head off at appropriate times in the show and clapping until my friggin arms ache. Basically, I scream, stomp, and clap whenever the audience is applauding. Now, I know that irritates those of you who are rather square. So if the loud and excited reactions that the other audience members are giving is causing you to have an aneurisms, then you have one of a few options. 1) At an appropriate time in the show, you can politely ask the person to stop doing whatever offends you (explaining that whole bit where you're the closest thing to a human android ever), 2) nicely ask the nearest usher to either re-seat you or the offender, 3) move, 4) think really hard and wait for your head to implode (that means that you won't get brains on anyone else!).

Do not give loud negative reviews at intermission!
I'm sure this is another one that seems absurd. You are at a show and you don't like what you're seeing so you want to express your dissapointment to your friends or the general public or some poor unsuspecting usher who doesn't get paid to seat your ass. But, before you do that, first, remember you are in public. Second, remember that nobody likes a jerk. Third, realize that there may be fans of the show sitting or standing around you so don't ruin their fun by talking about the actors, lyricists, composers, or choreographers in a negative way. Talk about that in the car on the ride home with the other jerks you decided to drag into cultured and appreciative society, or on an internet message board, therefore ensuring many of the people involved in that production won't have work for very much longer. Also remember that the actors are on that stage because they are acting and doing something that you probably cannot do... entertain the masses. Just because you aren't entertained doesn't mean it isn't hard for the actors on the stage so remember all the effort that might have gone into a production before you vocalize an opinion about it.

Newly Added!
*As provided by Liz Honig*
I also have something to add to the part about not making negative remarks about the performance at intermission. You never know who could be sitting around you! I always have a fear that a friend or relative of a performer could be sitting near me. That would be awful if someone is ripping apart a person's performance and their Mom is sitting next to them!

Also, in regards to the candy thing, I hate it when someone is loudly chewing gum, popping bubbles, etc. Makes me absolutely crazy, it's so distracting.

Do not be disruptive and obnoxious!
This one is more for the theater fan who has seen a show over 10 times because of their love for theatre. I have been in this boat. You are having fun, you don't want to control yourself! If you did want to, you probably would not have purchased the ticket for that show. Keep in mind there are people who haven't seen what you're seeing before so if you're being obnoxious, you are ruining their chance to fall in love with the show. Just keep that in mind and be reasonable if you do get out of line.

Be nice to the ushers
*As provided by Maggie Matchin*
Something to add to your theatre ettiquette:

If you are going to buy cheap seats in the back and sneak up front, a) do not trip in the dark. And if you are that much of a klutz, don't sue the theatre as was done at the Pasadena Playhouse. b) If you take someone's seat, APOLOGIZE and MOVE. If you don't, they get an usher who is forced to listen to them bitch and complain.

Treat ushers with some respect. Yes, they are dressed a little silly sometimes. When they are carrying their flashlights, do not make light saber jokes. When they are being polite in offering you assistance to your seat it isn't implying you don't understand alpha-numeric order. It is part of the theatre experience. Rude comments take the fun away for everyone.

That is just in my humble opinion.

Things that the theater should remind you of prior to the begining of the performance!

We've all been at a show and heard the announcement before curtain. So why is it that people refuse to:
1) Turn all cell phones and pagers off.
2) Unwrap all candy and food (even though you aren't supposed to have those things in there anyway) before entering the theater.
3) Refrain from talking during the show.

These are three basic things that are idiotically simple to adhere to and will cause everyone involved to enjoy the performance they are watching! If you need your cell phone or pager on, keep them on silent or vibrate. Do you want to feel the icy stare of an angry and interrupted man? I didn't think so, so just turn your frackin pager or cell phone off. Besides, how important are you that you can't sit somewhere for two hours where you cannot be reached?

Now, the candy issue. If you were able to get candy into the theatre, then good for you! Most ushers are instructed to tackle and mug people who attempt to bring food to their seats. So, if you're smart enough to get the candy in, why would you make the wrappers crinkle for the entire duration for the show? That just makes you look like a complete moron. Also, do you need to eat during a live performance? Will you die of mal-nurishment if you wait for three hours to stuff your slightly over-weight American face? The answer: NO! So don't eat during the show! And, this goes double for ushers! That is completely unprofessional and you should be taken out back, flogged, and thrown into a dumpster for that.

::deep breath:: Talking during the show is a crime that should be punishable by death. This also goes for singing. Let me tell you that I did NOT pay to hear YOU sing the same show that TRAINED ACTORS are doing in front of me. Don't ruin the good professional show by exhibiting your singing styles behind my head. List of musicals this is most likely to occur at:
1) The Phantom of the Opera
2) The Music Man
3) Sound of Music
4) RENT
5) Les Miserables
Now that you have been warned about where you are most likely to hear the audience participation of Rocky Horror minus the Drag Queens, don't contribute to it! Also, this is not your living room and you are not watching "The Simpsons" on your television. This is a PUBLIC place full of QUIET people! There is no need for you to speak during a show so don't do it unless 1) you've spontaneously combusted and your body is on fire 2) you think you are going to die right then and you need to whisper your will to your date 3) you are bleeding profusely and need immediate medical attention. If you don't stop talking, just know that one day you'll get the seat next to me and I always bring a roll of duct tape and gag to the theatre (note: if I duct tape you to your seat, don't expect to be able to use the facilities at intermission).

"Don't ask me why I'm crying, I'm not gonna tell you what's wrong. I'm just gonna sit on your lap for five dollars a song. I want you to pay me for my beauty, I think it's only right cause I have been paying for it all of my life." - Ani Difranco, "Letter to a John"